That Girl Is a Real Crowd Pleaser Meme Dirty Funny Text Messages
You know how the saying goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And there'south so much truth to that old adage. If you're having a bad day, or if someone you lot love needs a lilliputian auspicious up, humour tin assistance ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an array of means to trigger that smile and plough around someone'south lousy mood. (Even if that someone is yous!) We've got funny quotes about love, marriage, crumbling, parenting, and so many more relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk-bound to serve as a fiddling reminder that life's non that serious — and we're all much better off laughing so we don't weep!
These funny quotes come up from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. You'll also find laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-simply-oh-so-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So savour our list and bookmark information technology to come back to anytime you need a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Cheque out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes Nigh Life
1. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That'due south one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Role
2. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to meet it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I always cook with vino. Sometimes I fifty-fifty add together it to the food."
—W.C. Fields
4. "People say coin is non the key to happiness, just I have always figured if you lot have plenty coin, you can accept a fundamental made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do not take life besides seriously. You volition never go out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
6. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae West
7. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't take a unmarried thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that nosotros live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is truthful."
—James Branch Cabell
9. "I'm killing time while I await for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "You but live one time, merely if you do it right, once is enough."
―Mae West
eleven. "If at starting time yous don't succeed, try, try once again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I love flesh... it's people I tin can't stand!!"
― Charles Yard. Schulz
xiii. "I call up God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
fourteen. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Like shooting fish in a barrel. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Function
15. "Two things are space: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
xvi. "When life gives y'all lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Expiry is peaceful. It's the transition that'due south troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
eighteen. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
19. "I take a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other twenty-four hour period within my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to prevarication on the embankment and swallow hot dogs. That'due south all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Function
21. "Whenever I'm most to do something, I remember, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I practice non exercise that matter."
—Dwight Schrute, The Office
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just besides."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'thousand not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything overnice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A adult female is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until yous put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people desire to ride with you in the limo, simply what y'all desire is someone who will have the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must do twice likewise as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I drink to brand other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is abiding proof that God loves us and loves to come across usa happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
thirty. "When you lot're in jail, a expert friend will be trying to bail yous out. A best friend will exist in the prison cell next to y'all proverb, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'grand not offended past blonde jokes because I know I'm not impaired. And I also know that I'thou non blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I can come across it: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sexual activity and the City
33. "Crying is for apparently women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're OK, then it's yous." —Rita Mae Dark-brown
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy trouble. But they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste their time pondering whether a drinking glass is half empty or half total. Me, I just potable whatever'due south in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't care what they say about me. I just desire to swallow."
—Pam Beesly, The Part
38. "Don't waste matter so much time thinking most how much you weigh. There is no more heed-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Even I don't wake upwards looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
40. "I don't trust anyone who does their ain hair. I don't think it'south natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Aging
41. "The clandestine of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie nigh your historic period."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Love, time marches on and somewhen you realize information technology is marchin' across your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "Yous know you've reached heart historic period when you're cautioned to slow downward by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you lot stay looking so immature?' I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and proficient makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, y'all didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm sometime, and so I'thou giving it anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
46. "No matter how bad things get, retrieve these sage words: Y'all're former, you sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Aureate Girls
47. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could practise while you're downwards at that place." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't affair unless you lot are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "Equally you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't retrieve the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
50. "Before y'all marry a person, yous should first brand them use a reckoner with slow Net service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women marry men hoping they volition change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Then each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you do, but exercise y'all take to do then much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long matrimony is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The best way to become well-nigh husbands to do something is to suggest that mayhap they're too sometime to do information technology."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "Every bit a man in a relationship, you lot accept a unproblematic choice. You lot can either exist correct, or yous can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Backside every great homo is a woman rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The merely thing worse than being talked virtually is not being talked almost."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older yous go, the improve you get. Unless you lot're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you can't be kind, at to the lowest degree be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you coin tin't buy happiness never had any."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Bill Watterson
64. "Don't be so apprehensive — you lot are not that dandy."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
―Volition Rogers
66. "I've had great success beingness a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that make you lot happy inside the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Become to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
lxx. "Don't go around maxim the globe owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston S. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, then but behave like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path and so by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of usa who practice."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't purchase you happiness, simply it can purchase you lot a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave usa ii ends: Ane to sit down on and the other to recall with. Success depends on which one we apply the well-nigh."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes Most Parenting
fourscore. "When my kids go wild and unruly, I use a nice, rubber playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to take all the things I couldn't beget. So I want to motility in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk earlier information technology stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is not easy being a female parent. If it were easy, fathers would practise it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Aureate Girls
84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If y'all are not yelling at your kids, y'all are not spending enough time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such matter as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to salvage the earth. No 1 wants to help mom exercise the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes About Piece of work
88. "Everything I take I owe to this chore... this stupid, wonderful, ho-hum, amazing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a identify to alive life to the fullest, to the max. An part is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Function
ninety. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't impale you, just why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and 6 months afterward you have to start all once more."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and wait at information technology for hours."
―Jerome 1000. Jerome
95. "I ever arrive late at the office, but I brand upward for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is similar being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The simply affair that always sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You lot can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All you need in this life is ignorance and conviction — then success is certain."
—Marker Twain
100. "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers
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